Still, there are days of restlessness, wanting someone to love and be loved by. Someone to share life’s ups and downs, twists and turns, chaos and calm.
Just yesterday, while browsing the antique mall, I watched as couples walked past, holding hands, sharing thoughts about this, that or the other. Part of me wanted what they had—common interests; common dreams; common goals.
But did I want it badly enough?
Even when skies are blue, marriage is hard. For sure, mine was no exception. In our 20 years of togetherness, my husband and I were strangers in many ways—just making do and going through the motions. We had good times, of course, but our marriage was a struggle early on.
For sure, I don't want another 20 years of making do and going through the motions. If I ever marry again, I want a deep relationship of mutual passions, where souls are exposed, desires are fulfilled and real love is made. A relationship that builds up and binds together. A love that seeks to serve—for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death does part us.
Above all else, I want a husband who understands that, as Christ loved the church to transform her into a "glorious bride," a husband’s unconditional love is a transforming gift to his bride, as well. It, alone, empowers her to surrender her very being without constraint. To feel desirable, despite her weaknesses and flaws. To let go of her heart, knowing it will be safe in her husband's strong, yet gentle, hands. Thus, his gift to her becomes her gift to him. She is free to love with an open, uninhibited, crazy kind of love.
Oh, it sounds really good, and it seems really simple. But I’m not sure that such love can even be found nowadays. And even if it can be, I don’t know if I’ve got the patience, the desire or the wits to look. So much baggage to sort through anymore. Multiple marriages. Multiple divorces. Children in multiple states. A red flag here. A red flag there. Here a flag. There a flag. Everywhere a red flag.
I know good marriages can come after divorce—I've seen some—but is it any wonder that divorce wasn't God's plan from the beginning? That marriage was meant to be a covenant between one man and one woman...until death? Divorce breaks things, and it leaves disconnected souls shuffling back and forth, to and fro, hoping to somehow, someday, someway, make a connection. Even to the strongest of hearts, it's disheartening at best.
And so, despite the cold, rainy lovers-kind-of-night in the neighborhood, I relax in my comfy chair, sip my cider and watch the fire alone. Will I ever marry again? Some days I hope so; other days, not so much. ♦
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