Saturday, February 13, 2010

Pondering Life and Love


It’s a cold, rainy, lovers-kind-of-night in the neighborhood. As a roaring fire crackles in the fireplace, I relax in my comfy chair, sip apple cider and ponder my life.

Seven years post-divorce and still single. Will I ever marry again? Some days I hope so; other days, not so much. Being alone doesn’t necessarily mean being lonely. I strive to be content.

Still, there are days of restlessness, wanting someone to love and be loved by. Someone to share life’s ups and downs, twists and turns, chaos and calm.

Just yesterday, while browsing the antique mall, I watched as couples walked past, holding hands, sharing thoughts about this, that or the other. Part of me wanted what they had—common interests; common dreams; common goals.

But did I want it badly enough?

Even when skies are blue, marriage is hard. For sure, mine was no exception. In our 20 years of togetherness, my husband and I were strangers in many ways—just making do and going through the motions. We had good times, of course, but our marriage was a struggle early on.

For sure, I don't want another 20 years of making do and going through the motions. If I ever marry again, I want a deep relationship of mutual passions, where souls are exposed, desires are fulfilled and real love is made. A relationship that builds up and binds together. A love that seeks to serve—for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death does part us.

Above all else, I want a husband who understands that, as Christ loved the church to transform her into a "glorious bride," a husband’s unconditional love is a transforming gift to his bride, as well. It, alone, empowers her to surrender her very being without constraint. To feel desirable, despite her weaknesses and flaws. To let go of her heart, knowing it will be safe in her husband's strong, yet gentle, hands. Thus, his gift to her becomes her gift to him. She is free to love with an open, uninhibited, crazy kind of love.

Oh, it sounds really good, and it seems really simple. But I’m not sure that such love can even be found nowadays. And even if it can be, I don’t know if I’ve got the patience, the desire or the wits to look. So much baggage to sort through anymore. Multiple marriages. Multiple divorces. Children in multiple states. A red flag here. A red flag there. Here a flag. There a flag. Everywhere a red flag.

I know good marriages can come after divorce—I've seen some—but is it any wonder that divorce wasn't God's plan from the beginning? That marriage was meant to be a covenant between one man and one woman...until death? Divorce breaks things, and it leaves disconnected souls shuffling back and forth, to and fro, hoping to somehow, someday, someway, make a connection. Even to the strongest of hearts, it's disheartening at best.

And so, despite the cold, rainy lovers-kind-of-night in the neighborhood, I relax in my comfy chair, sip my cider and watch the fire alone. Will I ever marry again? Some days I hope so; other days, not so much. ♦
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18 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing your very honest feelings. Bless you.

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  2. Life is about trade-offs. We always have to give up something, in order to gain something else. Figuring out what's what, and what we want, is truly the hard part.

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  3. Thank you for sharing and I pray you have a wonderful Sunday in Him.

    Blessings,
    Sandi

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  4. Hang in there girl...rest in God and He will bring him if he is to be...

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  5. Thanks for being so honest, be blessed.

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  6. It is not always easy to find the joy of where we are right now. Where God has led us to be.
    But, when we are able to do that, we find contentment and peace of heart and a deep joy in knowing that God is with us.

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  7. What a gift your honesty is to us. Life is messy and when it involved a divorce it brings with it a myriad of complex emotions. May God richly bless your faithfulness with all that is His will for your life.

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  8. This was such an honest, heart felt post. I know so many who stand in your shoes. It is very difficult in today's world where there are soo many divorces that bring about the baggage you talk about. But I have seen MANY wonderful relationships come about eventually as well. The Lord can and does do such amazing things. You know He has got His very best for you, no matter what that might be, and you can be content in that. Have a good week. Sweet blessings, Debbie

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  9. I love your willingness to be honest and vulnerable on this important topic. I have a friend I am in bible study with, she has been married three times that voiced the same things. As I look at her and hear her, I very much think there is a dynamic man out there for her. She is a different person and I trust that God has a different man for her than the others, a transformed man that is listening and still being molded. I look forward to the day he brings that to be. I can not help but think it is the same for you. I loved hearing your thoughts. ~

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  10. First, this is great writing. I always want to read every word of what you write. I never just skim through. And second, I want to thank you for sharing with such honesty. This will be helpful to many of us--married, divorced, wanting to be married, not wanting to be.....

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  11. You are right. Marriage is never easy. I like what Charlene said. Thank you for sharing your heart with us.
    Blessings,
    Charlotte

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  12. Thank you for sharing your heart! You have a beautiful way with words =)

    ~ Lily

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  13. Thanks for sharing , I know a lot of people are having the same emotions during Valentine's Day. Things are always changing ,anyone of us could be alone in the future.I pray for you to feel the joy of the Lord in your life no matter what circumstance you are in (& I pray the same for myself).I hope you have a blessed week .
    Love in Christ,
    ~Myrna

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  14. If it makes you feel any better I am a never been married single female forty something and from what I have heard from divorced people I feel exactly like you do. Marriage it seems does not hold the same meaning now a days as it use to in the olden days-- just my take on it.Only Bride I care to be is God's.
    Thank You! for putting it into words!
    Karyl

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  15. Thank-you for opening our heart.
    God Bless,
    Ginger

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  16. Don't know if you'll see this SO far after you've posted it. But I can certainly relate to your heart here. Part of me LONGS to love & be loved. I just MISS not being able to give of myself to someone, like that part of me is being sucked into a black hole. But then, I'm so thankful that I don't have to check in with someone & I can do anything I want with my home without making sure someone else "approves". And God's been gracious in His blessings & to reveal that THIS is a time for ME ... with Him.... without the interference of a relationship. And THIS time when I find someone....it's going to be someone HE brings to my life, not someone I was searching for. And that relationship will be centered in CHRIST, not of this world. THAT will then be the greatest blessing! Hugs ~ Merana

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  17. Thanks for featuring this post today. I enjoyed it in 2010 and just as much today.

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